It can be incredibly scary once someone truly gets to know us. I’m not talking about knowing what we like to do on the weekends or what our favourite colour is, none of those trivial facts about ourselves. I mean when you’ve been talking to someone and over a long period of time you’ve told them things about yourself that you would hold back at first.
Of course you probably wouldn’t feel comfortable telling such personal things to a perfect stranger. The window of things you would feel comfortable telling them would be small, narrow and limited. This is when you will probably come out with a few trivial facts about yourself and other basics along those lines.
But let’s just say you continue talking to this same person over the course of an entire year, as frequently as every couple of days, give or take. That window gradually begins to grow as you begin to feel more comfortable sharing other details about yourself, and vice versa. Sometimes there becomes a point when you might feel ready to tell them things about yourself that not many people (or no one at all) knows. Things like our strengths and our weaknesses. Things like our flaws and imperfections. Things that are deep down in the depths of our minds and hearts, and can only be found with gradual and constant digging because they are kept so well hidden and out of sight.
They know your insecurities. They know exactly what makes you feel insecure, unsettled and uneasy. They have found your weak spot. Once they know this, there’s not much else you can hide from them. You must realise that by this point they know a lot about you.
You understand all of this and you’ve decided that you’re okay with it. You don’t mind them really knowing you on such a deep level. There is nothing threatening about this person so therefore there’s nothing to worry about.
But one day they’re gone. You can’t reach them. You can’t contact them. You can’t ask what’s happening and where they’ve gone. You can’t ask why they’ve suddenly left without so much as an explanation or saying goodbye. When you realise this, you begin to feel as though an ocean has stretched it way between the two of you and the distance causes you to feel uneasy and unsettled. It makes you nervous and triggers alarm bells.
The scariest thing about people who were close to us walking out of our lives is the amount of information about us they take with them. They still know your insecurities. They still know what makes you feel powerless and they know what buttons to push to cause you to feel this way. Suddenly it feels as though we’ve handed them all the power we once had and placed it willingly in their hands. We did this at exactly the same time we decided to tell them such personal things about ourselves.
We shouldn’t blame ourselves because we trusted this person, we shared those things because we believed it was safe to do so, but still we’re left kicking ourselves and wishing we knew better in that moment. We shouldn’t blame ourselves because it was shared under false pretences and you couldn’t have known what was going to happen next. But all of the justification we give ourselves doesn’t change the fact that someone who knows practically everything there is to know about us, is gone. They’re just gone.
Once you decide to open yourself up to someone in this way and tell them such personal things about yourself, there’s no going back. There’s no way you can wipe their mind and ensure they forget anything you don’t want them to know about you. You just have to accept that they take that information with them, wherever they’ve decided to go next…far away from you. You can only hope that in the future they will forget parts of it, and then a little bit more, until you’re nothing but a vague memory in their mind and all the details have been forgotten over the time that has passed.
You can only hope that in the future you will feel comfortable telling someone else close to you those exact same things, even though you’re aware there’s a chance the end result could be the same as last time. You can only hope that you have the courage to continue, regardless of the outcome, because finding someone who will stay is worth it.
Lucy Rebecca x