My mind is made up. I’ve decided to fight my feelings for you because I feel like I don’t have a choice. The way things have turned out, after everything that has happened over the last four years, has left me with no other option. I can’t continue doing this will you anymore, it’s breaking me down and every time I try to gain clarity I end up just as confused as ever.
Questions circle my mind, swirling around and around, unable to find their answer. I feel like I’m wandering around in the fog, trying to find my way as I scramble to find the path, but all I come across is more and more haze. It blinds me from everything, so much so that I don’t know where I should be going or what direction is the right one.
Every time I try to give myself clarity and perspective, you swoop down and snatch it out of my desperate hands. You leave me with nothing but questions and doubts. This is why I have no choice but to fight my feelings for you, to convince myself that they’re not there until one day I actually believe that statement. I know how well you know me and maybe you will never be convinced that this is the truth, and maybe it’s not, but what choice do I have?
I can’t live the rest of my life trying to work out a situation that I just don’t understand. I can’t spend the rest of my life thinking about you and feeling lost, no matter what I try to do to help myself out of this deep hole I’m currently in. It didn’t have to be this way at all, in fact things could have turned out so differently if only you had acted differently, but I’ve accepted that this is how it is.
I’m done helping you, it’s time to help myself and slowly erase you from my mind by fighting my feelings. It’s the only way I have out of this messy and complicated situation. I don’t need you to understand my reasoning for deciding to fight my feelings but I need you to choose not to stand in my way.
Lucy Rebecca x