Salty tears spill over the edge and roll down my cheeks, creating a wet trail through my foundation. Peering at myself in the mirror, I see small smudges of mascara under my eyelids and a pile of long, tousled hair that has been caught in unforgiving wind and rain.
I brush the tears away hastily with the back of my hand, but it’s pointless as more continue to take their place. I can’t win and I feel silly for even trying. I feel them stop at my chin before dropping onto the satin pillowcase beneath my head.
My head begins to ache from all the crying. It only takes a few tears to cause a dull headache that seems to last for a long time after, to try and make me feel worse than I already do I am sure.
My bones feel so incredibly weak, almost as though I’m paper thin and it would only take someone to touch me lightly for me to crack and break apart under the pressure. I roll onto my back and wrap my arms around my fragile waist. I feel the outline of my ribcage and I wonder if there will be anything left of me by this time tomorrow. Will I still be here in one piece or will the only resemblance of myself be little, tiny shards scattered across my bed?
I hold my hands over my face and remind myself to take deep breaths and calm down. My dark purple nail polish looks black in the darkness of my room and I can see the very edges are beginning to chip. I wonder if there will be anything left of them by this time tomorrow. My breath catches in my throat and I feel my chest heaving, begging for air.
I close my eyes and eventually the tears subside. They are replaced with fatigue and I’m grateful to feel as though I could fall asleep any second now. It’s not often an insomniac feels this way and it makes a pleasant change that I welcome with open arms. I lose myself in pure, peaceful darkness and stay here until I feel ready to return to my life.
Lucy Rebecca x