There once was a girl who didn’t think she would be able to love someone or have much inside her to offer another person. Her self-esteem was on the lower side and her confidence didn’t run very deep. She had secrets from her past that she tried to keep from other people, afraid of their judgement which might cause them to run far away from her. She was still quite young but she already had regrets that she would have to live with for the rest of her life.
She used to be naïve and made a few stupid decisions based on not enough logic for it to be a good idea. She believed the best in other people and didn’t know of any dangers that she should be aware of. She soon realised what she had gotten herself into and she feared that it was too late to keep herself safe. She would go onto regret those decisions in the following years, knowing full well that they were mistakes and a wish to remove them from her memory.
Because of everything she had been through in the past she gradually developed trust issues. This applied to everyone she came into contact with in the following years throughout her adolescence. She became very afraid to trust anyone she spoke to out of fear of it possibly turning in to a regret and also out of fear of disappointment. She didn’t want to be left wondering why she made the decision to trust that person. In a way not trusting others was like a defence mechanism because she used it to keep herself safe. She used it to prevent herself from ever ending up in that kind of situation again. This was her justification for being this way, anyway.
But choosing not to trust others had it negative sides. She never knew if others were being truthful with her and if she could believe them when they told her anything. She wouldn’t let herself get too invested in someone because she didn’t think she could trust them. Because she wouldn’t let anyone close to her, she began to feel alone and like no one understood her. She wanted someone to come along who she would feel she could trust and the problem would be solved, but when would that happen and how? How could she ever bring herself to change her ways?
She had always been a private person who kept to herself. Because of her past experiences, she often didn’t feel comfortable in some social situations and it caused her to shut down emotionally, suddenly going quiet and hardly saying a word for the rest of the time. Others around her would notice but she never explained what caused the sudden change. She couldn’t…otherwise she would be revealing all the things that had happened in her past that she wished she could erase from history.
She promised herself that she would not do anything important until she found someone that she could trust completely, with all her heart. It was very important to her to keep this promise because she didn’t want to give herself any more unnecessary regrets…ones that she could have prevented from happening in order to save herself the damaging, unwanted memories.
But someone like this did come along. They held her attention from the very first day she met them and she hadn’t been able to forget him since. She knew he was different. Even after they decided to go their separate ways he continued to sit in the back of her mind for many years. There was something different about him and it was attractive and intriguing to her. She wanted to know more about him – everything about him if that was even possible. The longer they kept talking to each other, the more she realised there was much more to him than meets the eye (much like her, really) and there was a certain connection with him that she had never felt with anyone else before. She felt comfortable being herself every time she spoke to him and she always felt safe knowing he was there.
Without thinking about it or knowing what she was doing exactly, she started to open her heart to him. She was surprised of all the things that came out of it, but nevertheless they were gratefully received by him. She had a special kind of love for him, one that meant she would always care for him no matter what happened or what he might do in the future. She couldn’t stop herself from caring and sometimes she wondered why that was exactly. She also couldn’t forget him or get him out of her head entirely. He was always there, in the back of her mind, always ready to be the centre of her thoughts, desires and fantasies.
A lot of the time she didn’t know how he felt or if any of those feelings were reciprocated but in a way it didn’t matter to her. She was finally able to admit how she felt, and not just to him in a verbal sense but also to herself. And she believed that the only thing that mattered was that he stayed in her life because he belonged there. She couldn’t stop herself from feeling drawn to him on an emotional level as well as being physically attracted to him, no matter how much she tried. He gave her butterflies and caused her heart to skip a beat just from doing the slightest of things. He had always had this kind of effect on her.
All she wanted was to see him happy and in a better place. She wanted to help in any way she could and would always be there to support him. She wanted to pull him out of the darkness and out into the open where everything was beautiful and glowing in golden sunlight. She wanted to take all those negative, damaging and destructive thoughts from his mind and replace them with positive ones of love and happiness.
She wanted to stay by his side through those dark days and hold his hand, reminding him that she would always be there for him because she could never bring herself to stop caring. She didn’t want to stop caring about him. He had already changed her life in ways she could never explain and ways he would never know. She believed that if they stayed together, everything would be okay and they could help each other through anything.
She felt herself changing throughout all of this. She was becoming more confident and her self-esteem was achieving a healthy level. She had appreciation for everything in her life and she had learnt to see the beauty in other people. She knew it was possible to trust someone, even after a misfortune of the past, because everyone is different in their own way and is capable of much more than they may think. Everyone is capable of loving if they make an effort to make this happen. Loving someone teaches you to take risks and be fearless while being loved teaches you to appreciate all that others are capable of giving from a pure and genuine place like their heart. And if you let love into your life it will make you a better person in every way that it possibly can. All you have to do is trust its power and strength like I have.
Lucy Rebecca x