Do secrets tear relationships apart? None of us are perfect; we all have a closet full of skeletons that we’ve gathered over the course of our life. So at what point to secrets become toxic to a relationship and at what point do we need to be brave and share our secrets for all the good that it can bring?
There are some secrets that we have which are just so private that we would never dream of telling someone about. They stay with us, buried deep down in our hearts but are by no means forgotten about. Even if others don’t know they exist, we will always feel their presence and know they’re still with us.
But some believe that there’s no room for secrets in a relationship. Choosing not to share a personal secret with someone can almost be like our way of protecting ourselves, so how come secrets are mostly seen in a negative light when it comes to relationships? Is it because we don’t trust them to be honest with us if they choose not to tell us absolutely everything about themselves? Does it make us feel anxious to know that they’re keeping something from us? Do secrets have the power to jeopardise a relationship and stop it in its tracks or do they always make a relationship better?
Keeping secrets can be healthy. Certain things might have happened in our lives that we simply don’t want others to know about. Not because we’re ashamed or embarrassed about our pasts but because sometimes they’re irrelevant to the stage that we’re at currently, especially if we’ve changed a lot as individuals since they occurred. In this case it might not seem important to share in the first place, so why would you? I think that in some cases we should respect the decision other people make of not sharing secrets with us. Knowing every single thing about that person doesn’t necessarily make it a better relationship than it was prior to knowing; sometimes secrets don’t change the ways things are at all.
But sometimes secrets can be unhealthy. I’m talking about being in a relationship with someone but choosing not to tell them something important – choosing to keep it a secret. Like if you’re in a really dark place and you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, if you’re self-destructive or have issues with self-loathing, if you have demons and negative thoughts constantly in your head, if you feel like you’re falling down a deep, dark tunnel and only feel the razor sharp edges as they cut you. Those kinds of secrets are indeed very personal but also unhealthy to keep to yourself.
Sometimes we need help and that’s okay, despite popular belief. There is nothing wrong with telling someone how you’re feeling and admitting that you need help of some sort. If you’re in a relationship with someone, it’s important to know that you can rely on them in times of need and during your darkest days. It’s important that you’re able to trust them. If you know you need help with someone but are choosing to keep it a secret, it’s like depriving yourself of something you need, similar to going without water, food or sleep.
It’s okay to turn to the people around us and tell them that we’re going through a tough time. It’s okay to explain to them how we feel so that they can listen and have a chance to help us get into a better space. Even the most independent and self-sufficient people in the world go through personal struggles and need the support of others to get through it. All it takes is a deep breath and a show of your courage and bravery, the kind that everyone has deep down and is ready to come out at the right moments.
Lucy Rebecca x