It must confuse you, not knowing if you’re capable of loving anyone when you were constantly talking to someone who is very much capable of loving and expresses it every chance they had. It must be hard for you; my love for you is a constant reminder of what you’re not sure if you can ever express yourself.
I know this can’t have been easy for you. You like to be alone, living a life of simplicity and solitude. You weren’t able to continue that lifestyle with me there as well because of my feelings for you. Your choice was to have those things over me.
I’m not going to lie and say that it doesn’t hurt because it does. You were the first person I’ve ever loved and given so much of myself to…so how could it not hurt? You wouldn’t believe how often I cry at night when I think about how I opened my heart to you and you didn’t choose me in the end.
I knew you liked that lifestyle but I also knew you liked having me with you. I guess a part of me thought you valued my presence just a little bit more than a life of complete solitude. It might have been a hard decision but I honestly thought you would ultimately choose me. I allowed myself to be completely vulnerable with you so that you could see what your life would be like with me in it, thinking you would see my value and choose it. Except you didn’t. I think you’re making a big mistake and one you will come to regret in time because I would have been a great positive influence for you. Please don’t ever forget how well I know you…you might know what you want but I know what you need. You need someone like me, whether you know it or not.
A part of me feels sad because there’s not many people you will meet in life who are like me. When I love someone, I can offer them every part of me and give a relationship everything I have to make it work.
Not everyone you come across is someone so passionate that they would stay with you for years because they care so much, wanting to see you happy and in a good place.
Not everyone would stay up all night and talk to you while you were at work, checking to make sure you got home safety because they were worried about you walking around late at night.
Not everyone would remind you of how much they love you and care for you every single day, especially when you were going through your darkest days and had given up.
Not everyone would do whatever it takes to keep everything we had from going crashing into the ground. I did all of those things for you, all the time.
That’s how I know you won’t find anyone else like me and that you’re making a mistake by choosing your life of solitude over one you could have had with me. I won’t be surprised if you realise this in your own time and try to come back into my life, telling me that you got it wrong and want to go back to the way it was. I have so many mixed emotions about you right now that I can’t tell you what my response would be.
All I can tell you is how much it hurts that you didn’t choose me…the first person I truly loved turned their back on me. Of all the things you’ve put me through in the last few years, this has been the worst and the hardest for me. I didn’t see it coming and as a result I feel completely blindsided. I would have done anything I could to help you out of the dark, slowly erasing those demons in your head feeding you negative thoughts one at a time. I would have done anything to see you in a better place and give you the support you needed to stay there, never allowing you to slowly creep back into the dark where you emerged from.
You’re a good person, I know you mean well and you have good intentions. Even if you’re not in my life anymore, please don’t forget that you deserve to be with someone who cares as much as I do. Don’t let the demons in your head lead you to believe otherwise, please don’t let them win. You’re so much better than a few destructive, negative thoughts and I only wish that you would believe in yourself as much as I do. Just please believe that you’re a strong person who can get through anything you need to in life to be a better person.
I love you so much and it breaks my heart that I can’t tell you these things anymore. I still think about you every single day, even with the ocean of silence that separate us. I still think about what it would have been like if you had chosen to be with me, even if it meant fighting your internal battles and changing your lifestyle so that we could be together and have a chance at making it work. I wish you had been willing to do that for me, considering how much I would do for you in a heartbeat if you needed me to.
A part of me has given up because I know what your decision was, but the hopeful and romantic part still hopes you will change your mind and come back before it’s too late. I can’t control either of those sides…even if I wish one of them would go away forever. I’ll always be emotionally invested in you because I’ve seen a beautiful part of you that you keep hidden from everyone else. I know your desires, wishes and deepest fears and they make you so beautiful and precious.
I’ll never be able to forget you or anything that you’ve told me over the last few years, it’s like a tape on repeat that I can’t turn off. I’ll always be attracted to you and because of that I’ll always be drawn to you. You’re irresistible and I can’t stop myself from loving you, no matter how much I try.
Lucy Rebecca x