I don’t know why but one of my biggest insecurities is being abandoned by other people. You might say I’m only young at 20 years old, but I’ve been through so many experiences where people have slowly began to slip away and I’ve tried to hold on tighter than ever. I can’t help it either; it’s just my natural response.
I don’t know why the thought of being alone is so scary to me. I just know that when someone threatens to leave or I get the sense that they’re about to decide to do that, I can’t stop myself from reaching out and doing everything I can to make them stay. I just hate the thought of people coming in and out of my life, even though I know it’s very much a part of life itself.
Sometimes I wish we would have more control over who stays in our lives and that it’s ultimately our decision if they’re in it or not. It’s not all that crazy, right? It’s our lives so shouldn’t we be the ones who have control over who stays and who goes. Yet how come other people are the ones who have the ability to slip in and out? It seems like they have all the control, not us.
When people choose to leave my life who I ultimately want to stay it makes me feel like I’m helpless. And I guess to some extent that sense of helplessness turns into desperation as I try to reach out and grasp the person, doing anything I can to pull them back in and make them stay.
I live up to the saying that Taurus are incredibly stubborn. Ask anyone who truly knows me and they will agree in a heartbeat. If I want something, I will do anything I can to attain it and I will not give up until I’m content and happy that I’ve gotten what I wanted. And once I’ve decided I want something to be a certain way, any other alternatives disappear so that only the one I’ve chosen remains in my mind. I hardly ever go back on any decisions because my mind is completely made up once I’ve chosen. Well, there’s that, and I’m incredibly determined and driven to succeed and achieve what I set out to do. So a combination of stubbornness and determination is what makes up a large part of the way I think.
So if I want someone to stay in life who basically wants to leave, a part of me will not care about their wish to leave and instead I will prioritise my wish for them to stay. Sometimes I think that my stubbornness makes me selfish in that way and to be honest, this is probably true. I deeply value my own happiness, so sometimes my way of achieving this is to keep all the people I want in my life and out with the rest. To be honest, I think most people would feel the same way about their own happiness.
Some people may think that being stubborn is an awful thing to be, and although it isn’t as favourable as other traits, it’s always been a big part of my personality. I’ve always been stubborn; it’s how I think and make decisions. At the end of the day I don’t want to change this aspect of myself – it would be like trying to change part of my personality and the way I am.
Let’s face it, we will always be the way we are and never anything that we are not. I’m a firm believer in everyone being their true selves (myself included) and that we should never try to be something we’re not. We’re not being honest with ourselves when we do this…we lose sight of who we truly are and because of this we lose confidence, too.
I think another reason why I hate seeing people leave my life is because I’m not good at letting go. Maybe it’s my young age and lack of real life experiences that older people have, but honestly I don’t think I know how to let go. I don’t think I’ve learnt how to do it yet and maybe it will be a great learning experience in the years to come. I hope that I’ll be able to make a post in the future and confidently tell you that I understand the concept of letting go and how to cope…but I’m just not there yet.
Lucy Rebecca x