What are you afraid of? Are you afraid of opening your heart to me, letting me in your life and allowing me to be an ‘attachment’? Were you afraid of your own feelings so you believed the only way to keep them from interfering was to lock them up and throw away the key, convincing yourself that they don’t matter?
Did you start to think of this as quite similar to an actual relationship – the one thing you want to avoid – and sense that I was wanting you to commit to me? Is that why you cut me off and ran as far away from me as possible? Was it all getting too much for you to the point where you felt overwhelmed by the intensity?
Are you afraid of my feelings for you? Does it scare you to talk to someone so frequently who expresses her love for you, while you’re not sure if you’re even capable of expressing love in return? Does it scare you to see how easily I can do it?
You made the decision to stop talking to me but why was that? How come one day you were fine with it and the next you had stopped completely? What triggered that change? I can imagine you would have told yourself that it was for the best…that I’m only going to get hurt if this continues. But it was never about me, was it? This was all about you. This was about your fear of commitment and your fear of letting someone so close to you that they get to know the real you. Were you afraid that I was getting too close so you shut the door before I could get any further? You may try to convince yourself that you had my best interests in mind when you made this decision – trying to spare my feelings – but the truth is that it was based purely on your fears.
You weren’t brave enough to tell me any of this. We both know that I was the one who was always so ready to express my feelings and tell you exactly how I felt…that was never you. You were the one who tried to bury your feelings because you thought it would be easier and simpler if you couldn’t feel anything. Maybe you had been doing this for so many years that it actually started to work and you couldn’t feel anything for a while. But talking to someone so emotional, sensitive and open to vulnerability started to dredge your emotions and feelings back up to the surface. They were getting so close to surfacing that you became desperate to shut them away, beginning to feel uncomfortable by their close presence. You locked them away behind a wrought iron gate and secured it with an even bigger padlock than before. You felt your security, power and control return once again.
And it didn’t just stop there either…you still had me to deal with. You knew that as long as we kept talking, I would get closer and closer to having the expectation that you would commit to me and return the love that I was giving you. You knew that it was getting closer and closer to somewhat of a relationship between us, despite the boundaries you put firmly in place to stop this from ever happening. You thought you could control where this stays with rules and fine lines, but my emotional side was threatening to override your efforts and take it to a place that you so desperately wanted to avoid.
The good, decent side of you would have felt a sense of guilt from ignoring me for so many months – for not giving me an explanation that I deserved and needed to move on. I’m glad there’s still a decent side of you…it proves that I really did know you at some point. But there is a large part of you that’s living in fear – and has been for years – and you still couldn’t bring yourself to face your fears by trying to work through them. You felt them skulking nearby and because it terrified you so much, you only saw one option left: to get rid of them.
Despite the ‘monster’ that you’ve convinced yourself you are, you’re still a human who feels and develops emotions. Even though you may choose to bury them or lock them away, they are still always going to be a part of you. There is no way you can get rid of them forever, no matter how much you pretend you’re heartless, dismissive and ruthless. You can’t remove your natural response to certain aspects of life, largely made up of emotions and feelings. And as much as you hate to think about this, there will always be certain people who are able to bring out that side of you, causing those emotions you buried to slowly uncover themselves and rise to the surface in plain sight. Emotional, sensitive and loving people have the ability to bring out that side of you…someone exactly like me.
I know you’re afraid of feeling these emotions again because it’s exactly what you’ve been trying to avoid, but if you continue to deny yourself this aspect of yourself, you ultimately end up being scared of yourself. You may be scared of me but you’re scared of yourself far more. If you come back I can help you realise this and find a way through it, not around it. I would stay by your side the whole time and I would never leave you if you needed someone with you. Unlike other people, I would not be intimated or scared away by the enormity of the challenge because I care about you and you mean so much to me. You’ve always been important to me and I’m not ready to lose you – not again. Not everyone out there are bad people who will hurt you if you show your vulnerable side and you know I’m not one of them. Please stop fighting yourself and stop fighting me.
Lucy Rebecca x