Not giving that part of myself to anyone feels good, it truly does. No one can hurt me with it or use it against me. Maybe that seems paranoid, but it’s true that trust has to be earned and until that happens, you’re better off keeping them at arms length until they prove they can be trusted anywhere else.
Some people do it at a young age and don’t think much of it. I understand it’s not a big deal to some and that’s their decision. They may or may not come to regret the decision they made when they were so young and possibly ignorant.
But other people are more protective, mostly of themselves. They need others to prove that they can be trusted before any serious decisions are made regarding how physically close they will allow themselves to be with that person.
It all depends on who you are and your values. I’ve read articles on why you should wait or not wait, and the comment section are always packed with differing opinions to back up that particular person’s values. I think it’s good that it’s a controversial topic because it allows us all to share our opinion on it and say how we feel about it. It’s interesting to see the mix of opinions that are brought out and why they hold the views that they do.
The reason I have waited is because no one has proved that I can trust them. I mean yes, I’ve been involved with lots of people over the years in different ways, but every one of them have shown me or given me a reason to believe that I can’t trust them. So I go with my better judgment and keep that part of me from landing in their greedy little hands.
When I talk to someone online they assume I’m not a virgin and I don’t always correct them. To be honest, it’s a pretty personal thing to share so why would I decide to share it with a perfect stranger who I’m just having my first conversation with? Telling someone that you’re a virgin is not the first thing you say to someone when you meet them in person, is it? You don’t just start chatting to a stranger at the bus stop and tell them that you’re a virgin, right? So why should talking to someone new online be any different? Even though you can’t physically see the person, it’s still a very personal thing to tell and I’m not always comfortable telling someone who I barely know about my sexual experience (or lack there of).
With the people who I do correct, I’m quick to notice that there’s quite a lot of mixed reactions. Some guys will be even more intrigued as this must be appealing and/or attractive to them, other guys will squirm and become awkward because they got it wrong, some guys will politely ask why I’m still waiting while others will blatantly stop talking to me completely because it must be somewhat repulsive to them. I don’t really think much of their reactions, nor do I take it personally, but I do find it interesting to see how they react if I’m totally honest about it.
Judgement forms, some silent and others not so silent. Some will think I must be such a prude, although they might be too polite to actually say this to me. Others won’t care and won’t hold back, straight up asking me if I’m prude. I don’t like this part because then I feel like I’m having to explain myself, my values and my decision to wait, even though I barely know this person. It’s not right, to be honest. I shouldn’t have to defend myself and my decisions to anyone else, especially not to someone who I don’t know anything about and who doesn’t know me, either.
To answer all those questions that I get when I’m honest about it:
No, I’m not choosing to wait for religious reasons. I’m really not a religious person and never have been. I used to go to church when I was little because it was important to my mum, but I just crouched down amongst the pews and played with my soft toys and ate packets of raisins, which I now absolutely hate.
No, I’m not prudish or afraid to do anything sexual with people. Even though I haven’t actually done it yet, that doesn’t mean to say that I haven’t done other things with people in the previous years.
No, I’m not waiting until marriage. I know that lots of people believe in this and that’s fine, but it’s not why I’m choosing to wait and it’s not what I personally believe in. I believe in waiting until I’ve found someone I trust, whether I happen to be married to that person or not.
No, I’m not completely innocent with a halo circling my head. I understand that it may be surprising to hear that I’m choosing to wait in this day and age, but that doesn’t mean that I’m super innocent and would never do anything wrong. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes, even people who some associate with an image of innocence.
No, I’m not just going to forget my values and do it with you instead. If I’m choosing to wait all this time, it’s obviously going to be important to me and for a very good reason. It’s completely disrespectful for you to assume that my values aren’t important to me and to expect me just to ‘forget’ them for you, just because you can’t control what’s in your pants and are determined to get with me.
I believe in living a life that has minimal regrets so that I can be proud of myself and everything I’ve accomplished and achieved. I’ve walked into situations before with my eyes closed and been hurt by the consequences that can come with doing this. I’ve learned my lesson when it comes to doing things that you haven’t thought through beforehand and I’ve had to learn it the hard way. I’m using my past experience and knowledge with this to help me make better decisions in the future so that I don’t live to regret a decision that I could have prevented by simply thinking it through carefully beforehand and being wise about it.
I am also protecting myself from being hurt. If I’m talking to someone who I know quite well, I’m able to allow myself to be vulnerable in terms of being open about myself and being honest about how I feel. However, that doesn’t mean that I’m going to jump into bed with that person or that I can trust them with that part of myself. I know that I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and often get hurt by others, so to me it seems even more important to keep that part of myself private until I meet someone who shows me otherwise.
I don’t want to be like everyone else or anyone else. I want to be myself and make my own decisions, knowing that it has my best interests in mind and that it’s the right choice for me, not for anyone else. I don’t give into pressure, although I’ve definitely felt it coming from certain people about my unwillingness to give that part of myself to them. I understand my values and I know what’s important to me because it’s all a part of who I am as a person.
To me, that’s so much more important than being who someone else wants me to be or going against my values just to temporarily please other people. And although I find it interesting to see other people’s reactions to the honest truth, I don’t care what anyone else thinks of it because it doesn’t involve or effect them at all and therefore it’s not anyone else’s concern.
I’m at a stage in my life where I’ve learned to love myself and I completely trust myself to make decisions that are right for me.
Lucy Rebecca x