When someone ignores you it’s pretty easy for your initial thought to be that they’re not saying anything in doing this. And if it’s someone who we really care about, sometimes believing that their silence isn’t saying anything is the easiest thing to think, which is why we let ourselves believe this. But so much of the time it just so happens that the silence you thought speaks nothing actually speaks everything you need to know.
I didn’t think it was very telling at all when T started to ignore me over the last four or five months. I had so many questions about what had happened and I felt like I would never get the answers I needed unless he actually spoke those words aloud in the most obvious and direct way possible. Sometimes because this seems like the most obvious solution, you don’t realise that silence speaks just as much as words themselves.
My head was full of what seemed like endless questions and the result was that I was constantly texting them to him, even though I knew I wasn’t going to get a reply. Somehow it just made sense to put the thoughts that were in my head into continuous questions which then formed words and eventually texts which I sent. It took me a long time to realise that the deafening silence I was receiving was giving me all the answers to my questions and all I needed to do was to stop and listen.
It might sound ironic but silence can be deafening. This happens when all you have is silence and it starts to feel so heavy and dense, like there’s a huge wave of silence and it’s quick to consume your entire relationship. The silence is toxic…to you, to them and to everything you had together. It’s like a deathly poison filling the air, not daring to stop polluting until everything in the room is dead or close to it.
His silence told me everything I needed to know and I understand that now. One of my questions was ‘Am I important to him?’ and his silence told me that the answer is no. I know that the silence was correct in saying this because if I was important to him, he would not have treated me that way – he would not have even considered doing what he did. It also told me that he didn’t care about me. Maybe he did once upon a time, but not anymore and the silence was clear proof of that.
We think of silence as being…well…silent…but the only reason we think that is because no words are spoken verbally and this leads us to believe that we can’t hear or learn anything from it. But if you stop asking yourself questions and take a minute to just listen, you will be able to read between the lines and gradually begin to realise that the silence you may be receiving actually holds most, if not all, of the answers you’re looking for.
I think we should stop believing that we need to hear this person say the answer for it to be true and for it to be considered an ‘answer’ – there are other ways you can find answers without it coming straight from the horse’s mouth. If you’re really intent on giving yourself the answers you want and/or need, there are most definitely ways you can do this by going about it indirectly, since you’re not hearing it from the person but from another source instead. Even though it may be indirect, you can trust this source because it’s pretty much a fact that silence never lies.
Listen to the silence that is present in your relationship and accept what it’s trying to tell you. You may not like any of the answers that you get, but they are still answers to your questions nonetheless.
You can also use these new, silent answers to give yourself closure that they couldn’t or refused to give you, which will naturally help you to move on in a healthy and positive way. Personal growth is one the best results of any situation, especially when it was once a very toxic and negative place that you weren’t happy with or felt trapped in.
Lucy Rebecca x