The scariest part of loving someone is when you feel like you don’t have control over your feelings anymore. It’s like it develops inside of you and is so quick to take over, snatching the control you once had from your hands without a second thought. You feel like you’re on a roller-coaster that you never stops and therefore you can never get off, even if you wish you could when it gets to be too much.
I miss the times when you would have a crush on someone or have mild feelings for them. The reason why I miss it is because it seemed so easy to control your feelings towards that person – I mean it was that easy. It was just a crush and most of the time that feeling faded after a couple of weeks or months, then you would move on to liking someone else and we quickly forgot the previously liked person.
I don’t understand why love has to be so different. I don’t understand why it can make us feel like we’re not in control of ourselves due to the intensity of our feelings towards someone. It’s hard enough to let yourself fall, not knowing if they will catch you or where you will land, without having to think about how you’re not in control as well, at the exact same time this is happening.
I feel like love is talked about much more casually these days, but when you feel like you’re in the process of falling in love or have completely fallen for someone, it’s so hard to feel like you’re still in control. I guess that’s why it’s called ‘falling’ in love and not something else like ‘planning’ or ‘choosing’ – because it’s none of these things. You literally feel like you’re falling and you don’t know how to stop or how to catch yourself before you land.
It should be that we always choose who we fall for, since that makes the most sense and is the most logical explanation. And maybe we’re not completely blameless – maybe somewhere in the beginning we do choose to pursue our feelings for someone which results in love. But at the same time, you lose the feeling of it being a choice because once you have fallen in love with someone it’s incredibly hard to fall out of love with them. You can’t turn your love for them off like a light switch or just snap your fingers and make them go away, all just because you’ve decided you don’t want to be in love with them anymore.
The feelings you have still remain, whether you want them to or not, and that’s when it feels like we don’t have a choice anymore. It’s a scary and difficult place to find yourself in, even for the most confident and self-assured people. It can be truly terrifying and the only thing you can do is hope that you will be okay and not have your vulnerable heart broken along the way.
Lucy Rebecca x