It’s hard to realise that you are in love with someone who used to be but isn’t anymore. When you have a picture of them in your head from the day you first met, before they changed and slowly lost all the qualities that made them so different from everyone else and that ultimately caused you to fall in love with them in the first place.
When you meet someone who has all the qualities you’re looking for, you’re so quick to notice simply because every box can be ticked on your mental list of what you’re looking for and what you find attractive in another person. You notice every little thing that they say or do and you start to love them for it, before you even have a chance to stop yourself or realise what you’re doing. After all it’s rare to find someone who has all of the qualities you are looking for, so when you do find this you feel something click inside you that tells you that you should be with this person and that they are right for you.
So what happens between when you first meet them and right now? Time happens, of course. Everyone changes over time, but probably the majority of people change in small, subtle ways that may not be noticed until several years later when you suddenly realise all the things that are different about them. It’s only then that you realise how different they are and how much they have changed from then to now.
Change is good. We need the opportunity to change so we can become better people, learn from our mistakes and keep living the rest of our lives while continuing to grow and make our own progress. Personally I’m proud of how much I’ve changed from the person that I was only a few years ago, and I make mistakes all the time but at least I can honestly say that I’m learning from them and I’m open to the idea of change.
Sometimes change can take away parts of who we used to be and things that made us, well, us. Certain qualities that we used to have can become minor until they are eventually lost along the way, meaning that to this very day we are without them completely. So it’s hard when you admired someone for all of these amazing qualities, but most of which are no longer present because of how much a person has changed…how much he has changed.
Sometimes it’s hard to even realise that you love the version of someone that doesn’t exist anymore; it can take a while to see exactly all the ways that they have changed. You feel blindsided by it all until it suddenly hits you, however many months or years later.
He was the kind of person that if he had asked me to be with him, I would have said yes in a heartbeat because it would have felt right and I would have been confident that I was making the right decision. Undoubtedly, I had that degree confidence and reassurance because I knew he had all those qualities that I was looking for.
I look at him now and I don’t know who he is anymore. I don’t see the person that I met or used to know. It’s almost like I see a stranger with whom I have a heap of history with. No matter how much I try to understand him, I just can’t because I can’t see him for who he is. So much of what he does I just can’t understand and I could spend hours thinking about it, feeling so confused, but never find any answers.
I can see some of the ways in which he’s changed but the rest of him is like a big question mark in my mind representing all sides to him that I still don’t know about, and quite frankly, I’m a little bit scared to see. But even though I can only see half of the picture, I can still see enough to know that it’s not someone I love. How can you love someone you don’t understand? I always thought the whole idea of love was based on the way you feel about someone you truly know and understand…otherwise how can you appreciate everything that they are if you don’t understand anything they say or do? I thought love was based on that understanding.
It hurts me to say that and it even makes me cry because I care so much about him and I would never want to say anything bad about him after everything that’s happened in the last few years. It’s not about being nasty or bitter or possessing resentment, I’m just trying to be honest with myself because if it’s true that I don’t love him anymore, I want to be able to admit that to myself. I don’t want to be in denial.
I know I should let go. What we have now is nothing like what we used to have, so much so that I don’t actually know what is left. Sometimes when I think about it, I can’t think of anything that we still have from the first day we started talking or met in person. I can’t think of anything that is still the same or has been the constant factor throughout all the years that have passed. It just feels like everything between us has changed, because of how he has changed as a person and because of the person he has become and is now.
There are just some things you can’t cope with, no matter how long you stay trying to learn how to or how much you want to overcome it and be okay with it. I’ve tried so hard for such a long time to love the person that he is now and all the ways that he has changed and I’ve tried to cope with the way he is now and accept him for that. It’s just so hard when he doesn’t have those qualities anymore, and so much of what you see is negativity and destructive behaviour that will prevent him from developing and maintaining relationships in the rest of his life.
I can’t help but feel like he’s allowing his behaviour to set himself up for a huge loss in life and it saddens me to think this way because I care about him so deeply and have only ever wanted the best for him, for him to be happy and to help him if I could.
I thought that I could bring myself to love the person he is now and maybe that part didn’t have to change, even if time flew past us and it was several years later. Maybe my love for him could be the constant factor. I’m now realising that it’s not always possible for love to be this, no matter how strong people claim it is. I wish love was the answer to everything in this world, honestly I do. I wish that every problem we ever had could be solved with love, pure and simple. I wish that love could be the answer to this situation and how I’m feeling. The sad truth is that love might be many things but I don’t believe it is capable of winning a losing battle.
Lucy Rebecca x