Blog, Personal

Indirection

When I was lying on the couch this morning with my cup of coffee I was thinking about the strength it takes to move on from someone. It’s something that you hear people say a lot: ‘maybe you should just move on’ or ‘maybe it’s just time to move on’…as if it’s ever going to be this simple. As if you can just reply ‘okay, yeah sure’ and forget about that person overnight, never to have them entering your thoughts ever again. The truth is that it’s never going to be this easy or simple, no matter how much experience you’ve had or how many times you’ve done it throughout your life.

Moving on, in my opinion, will always take a lot of personal strength and courage and it won’t ever be an easy decision. Every relationship that we have in our lives will be different from the previous or the next, in other words, no two relationships can (or will) ever be the same. This is why I believe that previous experience doesn’t really help us out when it comes to moving on…how can it, when your current relationship might be completely different from the last one you had to ‘move on’ from?

The interesting thing is that no matter how strong of a person you are, it can still take a while (if not a long time) to actually give yourself the space you need to begin the difficult process of moving on. Similarly, it can take a while to even get yourself to take a step back and find the direction you need to head in instead, since the relationship you had is no longer an option as a direction or a way forward.

It’s a hard place to be in when you’re trying to move on. You know it needs to happen so you’re trying to make it happen…and yet something about it doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel right to stop talking to this person completely or to force yourself to be interested in getting to know new people that you meet, as harsh as that might sound.

Sometimes you’re just simply not interested in creating new relationships or friendships with other people, usually because you’re doing everything you can to move away from one intense and overwhelmingly complicated relationship that you know you need to learn to look past. Sometimes when we’re trying to deal with something so emotionally difficult as moving on, we lose the ability to multi-task and it begins to feel like we simply don’t have the room nor wish to bring new people into our lives…we’re simply not in the right head space to be able to do this. It feels impossible to do when you’re not ready and your heart isn’t in it.

I know that talking to other people and getting to know them is a way of helping you to move on from a relationship, but to me it feels like I’m having to force myself into it, and that doesn’t feel right no matter how much I try to convince myself that it is or that I can do it without a problem. I don’t want to encourage myself to do something that doesn’t feel right…I think that if this is how you feel then you shouldn’t feel obligated to do it; you should find other ways to help yourself which you feel better about and genuinely want to do.

I never wanted to be that person that ended up feeling so attached to someone that it felt impossible to move on as well as know how to help themselves. I guess because I was naïve enough to believe that I would never get into that kind of situation in the first place…except that I have and I am. I let myself explore a relationship and my connection with someone important to me to the point where I couldn’t stop myself from falling for him or from developing these intense emotions that I found it very hard to see past. Being someone that is so used to thinking with her feelings instead of with her head (along with logic), naturally I was very focused on everything that I was feeling towards him.

Now that it’s come to a standstill and is gradually becoming less progressive, I find myself having to pull myself out of this hole that I’ve somehow fallen into it and slowly begin to climb the crumbling walls as I try to turn my back from what I’ve known and become used to for so many years. I find myself having to turn my back on someone who I care very deeply about, all for the sake of ‘moving on’.

In a way I hate these two words. I hate the way they are thrown around in conversations so casually, as like I’ve said, moving on is never an easy thing for us to do and it takes so such strength and courage. I hate how these two words means I have to turn my back on everything I feel and have felt for years. I hate how  they mean that everything that I’ve ever known about this particularly relationship and/or connection is about to change. I hate how I’m afraid of that change and that’s partly why I’ve been trying to avoid it by doing everything I can to try and save my relationship with this person and everything we had together. I hate to think of a time where he won’t be in my life anymore and I won’t be able to act on how much I truly care about him, even if that’s just checking on him every so often to make sure he’s okay. I now understand why it’s said that people can be so afraid of change.

Love,

Lucy Rebecca x

2 thoughts on “Indirection

  1. I can’t even imagine what you are going through right now, or how difficult it has been and will be, because I have not never come that close to a relationship and from this post I realise that it is more painful than people claim it to be. But I hope that everything will be okay and you will find what you are looking for, perhaps the true love that you deserve.

    Take care. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

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