The thing with always talking to a kind, warm and caring person is that you become accustomed to it quicker than you might realise. Sure, their kind nature seems noticeable at first but a couple of years down the line you’d come to expect this from them, right? So what happens when that person fades out of our life and we find ourselves having to meet new people and actually be surprised every now and again because we don’t know them and therefore we don’t know what to expect?
I don’t go out of my way to be a warm and caring person. Some people just are like that naturally and I’m one of them. I always thought it was one of the best things about me and that it was something that separated me from other people who weren’t like this. One problem with this, however, is that once someone has too much of a good thing they become used to it and gradually they take it for granted because they know it’s always there.
I’ve talked to the same person for 4 years, on and off. In that time I have been no one but myself around them. That means I’ve been the same kind, loving and caring person every day for 4 years, in pretty much every conversation I’ve ever had with them. Just as he got used to my kind and loving nature, I just got used to his rather cold nature and eventually this just became expected. This meant that I expected him to be cold and distant every time we spoke, and he expected me to be kind and caring in return. See, the whole ‘being accustomed’ idea works both ways. It seems like something we just do automatically without even thinking about it; if you see something for long enough then it’s only natural that you’re going to get used to it and come to expect it.
I totally understand why it’s important to meet new people and move on once a relationship doesn’t work out with someone. But the thing is, you can’t assume every person you meet in your life is going to treat you the same way they did or is going to give you the same things. By this I mean love, support, affection, companionship, trust, honesty, commitment, devotion, loyalty and warmth. I’d like to think that every one of us is capable and will give these things, but the truth is that everyone is different and some are not capable or not willing to give these important things.
The mistake that he made was assuming that he could find someone exactly like me. That he could find someone who loved him just as much as I did, cared for him just as much as I did, looked after him just as much as I did, supported him just as much as I did and others along these lines. I think that the reason why he assumed this would be easy to find is because he had become accustomed to being treated that way when he was with me, and this lead him to believe that anyone else he meets can match it, no problem.
The truth is that he will move on. He will meet new people. He will explore the idea of a relationship with some of those people…but I don’t think it will ever become one. The reason why I say this is because is he a cold hearted person who’s given up on himself and therefore believes everyone else he meets deserves to be treated the same way. He will give up on you faster than you can say ‘please, give me a chance’. When you try to make things work, he will be quick to give you the cold shoulder and you will start to feel unwelcome and unwanted. When you try to be honest and tell him how you feel, he will pretend he never heard you because he stopped listening to you a long time ago.
I told him recently ‘there’s a reason why you’re alone’. And no, it wasn’t because I thought he deserved it or anything spiteful like that. It’s just because I know him very, very well. I know how he deals with tricky situations and like I said before, I know what to expect from him at any given time. I know you can’t count on him to stick around when things get hard or when you find yourself needing a shoulder to cry on or even a friend to talk to. He will not be your shoulder to cry on. He will not be your friend. Instead, he will be nowhere to be found.
He pushes people away to the point where sometimes it feels like a violent shove and takes any excuse to simply give up on them rather than giving them the chance they deserve. He runs far away when you need help and support. He ignores you when you speak and ignores every single time you let tears spill onto your pillow as you cry yourself to sleep once again.
Now tell me, please: who would want to be in a relationship with someone like that? Who would stay with someone like that when they deserve so much better and there’s so many other people out there who they could be with instead? Who would tolerate being treated like that? Who wants someone like this as a partner and boyfriend?
This is how I know he will end up alone, most likely. No matter how much he wants to be with someone or find someone to be with, it will never have a chance at working out because he will be the same cold-hearted, harsh and insensitive person. Of course it might be different if he actually wanted to change, wanted to become a better person and was willing to work on himself. But the simple truth is that he’s not. He doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want to change. He doesn’t want to be any different than how he is right now. He’s content the way he is, and it will not only be until it finally hits him that he’s always alone that he realises he might need to change if it means finding someone who is willing to stay in the long run…someone like me.
I will be expecting some kind of contact from him when this happens. I will be expecting the moment it hits him that not everyone out there is like me. Not everyone will be willing to accept him as he is, stay by his side, give him endless amounts of support, love, affection and warmth. Not everyone will spend 4 years of their life trying to work on what you had together in order to make it better and happier. Not everyone will stay up at night talking to him while he works, just to keep him company when it gets quiet. Not everyone will be there to check he’s okay and safe when he’s drunk and wondering the streets alone in the middle of the night, making sure he hasn’t been attacked again like last time. Not everyone will be there to listen to him when he needs someone to talk to. Not everyone will care enough about him to go out of their way to do these special things for him. Not everyone will love him and constantly remind him of this nearly every day. Those are not even half the things I did for him, for years on end. Sure, it was certainly hard at times but I never gave up on him. I never gave up on what we had, I never gave up on him and I never gave up on us.
So like I said, I’ll be expecting him to contact me once this realisation finally hits him. I don’t know whether it will be a text, phone call or a message on Facebook but it doesn’t really matter which way he does it. I’ll be expecting him to say something like ‘there’s no one like you’, and he’s right; there is no one like me and I know that. I’m looking forward to the day that he knows that too, quite frankly. And do you know what I’ll reply back with?
“You threw it away”.
As in, you took me for granted and didn’t appreciate anything I did for you. You wasted away any chance we had at making it better and making it work for us. You chose to ignore me for months instead of talking it through with me and being honest about how you felt. You didn’t show me any gratitude for all the countless times I went out of my way to make you feel appreciated, loved, supported, cared about and listened to. They were all choices that you made, and I felt the consequences of them every day that our situation was progressively getting worse and worse. So, now, I think it’s time you felt the consequences of my choice for once. My choice is that I won’t bother with you again because I know that I deserve better than you. I won’t bother with someone who is not willing to change in order to be a better person and who is also not willing to work on themselves. I won’t bother with someone who treats me like sh*t because they’ve become accustomed to my kind and warm nature. That is my choice.
Lucy Rebecca x