Blog, Love, Personal

Crossroads

Standing at a fork in the road, it can be hard to know what path you should walk down as well as what waits for you at the end. This is it: it’s either all of nothing. Now is the time when you have to decide whether you’re in or out, and you don’t have long to make this decision. So what are you supposed to do for the best?

Relationships are about compromise, it’s about finding a way to meet each other half way so that you can both feel satisfied and content with how things are. It’s supposed to be about equal measures of give and take, so how come so much of the time we find ourselves giving endlessly while receiving less than adequate back from the other person?

I can either say how I truly feel and be prepared for the consequences that come with that, including trying to get over my fear and insecurity. It’s the one thing which I’ve avoided for so long, out of fear, and I realise now that it only brings the potential to ruin any future relationship I have. It’s not easy to face something that you are constantly ignoring, putting to the back of your mind and going out of your way to avoid. Not once you get into the habit of turning your back on it and pretending it isn’t there at all. But I can understand that it is a significant aspect of any relationship, and to continue to ignore it only means it will continue to control both me and any relationships I have. I shouldn’t have given my insecurity the control that I should have over it.

The other option is to say no to what is there now as well as what there could be in the future. It would mean shutting down an entire opportunity to overcome an insecurity as well as find out for myself what it means to be in a serious relationship with someone that I already have feelings for, despite making an effort to keep things seemingly casual between us.

Although the thought of overcoming this insecurity I have and this fear of mine is scary and daunting, I feel that I would be silly to let the opportunity to overcome it pass by. I don’t want more and more time to go by where it’s still an issue, and I’m still making a conscious effort to ignore on a daily basis. Even just from weighing up my options, I can see the advantages that one has over the other as well as plenty of reasons why it would be beneficial for me right now.

The truth is, I’m acting like it’s a decision that I have to make, but in reality I already have feelings for this person so I don’t know if I could walk away now, even if I wanted to. I would only be hurting myself by walking away from a person and a relationship that could have done so much for me, and it’s the sort of thing which you may come to regret later on and be wondering ‘what would have happened if I had said yes?’. I don’t want to be the person who thinks about this situation years from now and asks myself that question; obviously you will never know the answer and you will never know what could have happened.

I’m not someone who can ignore my feelings – ever. Once I feel a certain way about someone, the two paths in front of me morphs into one and the only thing I can do is walk forward. My feelings have already chosen the path for me.

Love,

Lucy Rebecca x

 

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