I wish I could tell you exactly how I felt, without worrying that you might run away, get freaked out or distance yourself from me. These are the fears that, on a daily basis, tell me to keep my feelings to myself and that sometimes it’s better to be safe than sorry.
The thing I can’t control, however, is how my feelings have deepened and become so much stronger over the last couple of months. Believe me, there are certainly times when I wish I could control them, pull them back in for my own sake, draw a line and remind them not to cross it. Unfortunately this is not something I can do as much as I wish I could. I’m faced with no other choice other than to go with how I feel at the present time, be honest with myself and back myself along the way.
I wish I could be as honest with you as I am with myself. I wish I could tell you the extent of my feelings. I wish I could tell you how I’m still so nervous and excited to see you every time we spend time together, how I get butterflies as soon as I know I’m going to see you that day, how I dread the minute you have to leave, wishing you never had to leave my side and that our time together didn’t have to feel so short. I wish I could tell you how happy you make me feel, how you cheer me up when I’m upset or crying and how you have the ability to always make me smile, from the very minute I see you. I wish I could tell you how you’re the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing before I fall asleep, as well as all the times in between, as cliché and cheesy as that might sound.
After all this time of seeing you and talking to you, I’ve found that there’s a lot more to you than meets the eye. When I first met you you came across as totally carefree, easy-going, laidback and straightforward. While you may still be like this at times, I’ve also found that you have your own fears and insecurities, giving you much more of a complexity than what I first thought. This is not at all a bad thing; I feel like I’ve been able to get to know you much better having seen this side of you and feel as though I can relate to you more easily. It’s also what makes me like you all the more; knowing that you aren’t perfect and that you have flaws and insecurities just like me, just like everyone else on this planet. It’s shown me that there’s plenty to love about you, whether they can be considered good or bad, they are all things that make you who you are.
One thing I am fearful of, though, is your emotional unavailability. The fear of whether or not you could ever fall in love with me and love me back. We may not be able to control when or who we fall in love with, but I think each person falls in love with the hope of being loved back, if not straight away then eventually given time. I don’t want to be the person who falls in love and cannot be loved back. I don’t want to get hurt and see my hopefulness turn to a broken heart. It’s only natural that I should want to protect myself from the vulnerability that falling and being in love brings, and I cannot overlook your current emotional state and not take this into consideration.
I know it’s not your fault that you are this way, I just wish I knew if our feelings for each other match or whether they are worlds apart. I think every person who falls helplessly in love wishes they knew how the other person is feeling, the extent of their feelings so at the very least they have some form of reassurance and confidence that they are not in danger by following their feelings into the realm of love. It scares me that I don’t have this from you, and that I don’t know how you feel about me or how strong your feelings are for me. I know that falling in love is not a decision, it’s an involuntary process that happens when you feel a certain way about someone you deeply care about, but we are only humans at the end of the day and are basically wired to fear things like rejection, especially when we’re talking about love.
I wish we could take the chance we have to develop our emotional intimacy further. I wish you could trust me when I say that I will help you and support you all the way, understanding that this is not at all easy or simple for an emotionally unavailable individual. I don’t want to be mistaken for the woman who is trying to or wants to change you. I want you to be the best version of yourself that you can be, and I want to have the opportunity to help you overcome insecurities that hold you back from emotional intimacy and the expression of emotions. I want to be the woman who holds your hand throughout it all. I want to be the woman who you could eventually love.
There is nothing more I would like than to be with you, to take care of you and be there when you need me, to support you and give you affection, to have your trust and for me to have yours. There is so much potential that I can see in front of us, and there is nothing more I would like than to explore this with you and see what happens, all the while keeping an open mind and an open heart.
I can understand that you might not have complete confidence in me yet, most likely due to emotional unavailability, but I can tell you that I have complete confidence in you. I trust you more than I let on, I truly care about you, I want to be with you, I can see myself falling in love with you and I can most certainly see a future with you. I also understand if that scares you, but it’s not going to change the way I feel or what I wish would happen next.
Lucy Rebecca x