Before you hurt me, I was fine. I was happy. I had so much self-confidence and I was certain in the decisions I made. I didn’t second guess myself or what I was doing. My mind wasn’t full of doubt every second of the day. I wasn’t insecure.
Now all of that has changed. Since you hurt me, I’ve been jolted out of that happy, secure little bubble I was living in and thrown into a world of doubt and uncertainty. I can’t quite remember the last time I felt this insecure, but it’s a feeling I’m getting plenty familiar with after three and a half months of feeling the exact same way.
I question everything now. I can’t make a decision without second guessing other people and, more importantly, myself. I’m finding it hard to trust others but to also back myself. I change my mind every day, it seems, when considering what I want and my mind is torn between two different things constantly, much like a game of Tug-of-War I can never win. Because I haven’t had the confidence to make a decision and stick with it, I’ve ended up landing flat on my face somewhere in the middle, and this is where I stay as the days go by.
I wish it was different. I wish I was able to say what I want with conviction and not go back on my word and say I want something else the very next day. I wish I felt confident within myself and wasn’t so scared of getting hurt again. That’s the truth: I’m terrified of getting hurt again. This fear is so massive that it discourages me from being in any kind of situation where I feel vulnerable or where getting hurt is even a remote possibility. I feel like I’m living in fear. I’m pushing away people faster than you can believe. I’m retreating into myself because it’s the only place that I’m certain is safe. I feel like I can’t trust anybody…I can’t even trust myself to stick to decisions I make anymore.
Right now I’m incredibly distrusting of other people, so much so that I find myself full of suspicions if they are nice to me and so terribly confused if they don’t so much as reply to a message I send. Normally I wouldn’t think much of this, and maybe wouldn’t even care, but right now it seems like the biggest deal and gets under my skin. When this happens, my insecurities get worse and it’s not long before I start questioning what’s going on. I start questioning that person and wondering if this means they’re untrustworthy and/or likely to hurt me. Small things like this trigger those kinds of anxious feelings for me. My mind is restless and I’m in a constant state of disarray, as the smallest of things leave me feeling unsettled and bothered.
I’m not in a good place. I seek out reassurance from others and feel hurt when I do not receive it. Coming out of a situation that ended badly and which broke my heart, to an extent, all I want is for someone to say the right thing without me asking them to. I want to be comforted, looked after and to know that they are there for me. I want to know that if I tell them something personal about myself, such as disclosing why I’m so hurt and insecure right now, that they will listen to me and acknowledge my words as well as where I’m coming from. I want to know that I’m not going to be on my own when I’m going through something so difficult and when I’m not thinking clearly because my mind is clouded by hurt and distrust.
Having been thrown away for something better, I want to feel wanted. You have no idea how unwanted and unimportant I felt only a few months ago, and I guess feelings like that stick around, even when you would do anything to feel better and to feel happy. I’m not saying I’m desperate, because I’m really not, but I did feel incredibly rejected by someone that I cared deeply for and had fallen for, and that moment hurt me more than you could ever imagine. The moment when they forced me out of their life without so much as an apology, explanation or a goodbye. The moment when I felt like I had been crushed and my heart was lying in broken pieces on the floor, for only me to pick up.
I hate feeling like this but I don’t know how to change it. I don’t know how to help myself and get out of this mindset. I don’t know how to stop my insecurities from spilling out faster than I can control them. All I know is that my heart hurts more than you can imagine and all I can think is how nice it would be to have someone who could help me through it so that I don’t have to feel so alone. How nice it would be to have someone who could look after me when I’m at my weakest points and not quite myself.
Lucy Rebecca x