It’s nearly midnight and I should be asleep. I should be in a completely different world full of fantasies, bright colours and fast-paced excitement. I should be so deep in a euphoric dream-like state that I’m completely oblivious to reality and my waking life. I feel like I’m living in two worlds: the real one and the one in my head. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop being a fantasist. It’s an equal balance between experiencing life as it happens as well as the way it plays out in my head. I’m always in two places at once.
People often ask me what I’m thinking about but I never have an answer that can justify it or accurately describe it; my thought process is so detailed and complicated that it amazes me how I understand the way my own mind works. It’s only from experience that teaches me why I’m feeling the way I am and why I’m different from other people. With me, everything comes from a place of deep thought and consideration. My curiosity drives me to question absolutely everything around me, including myself. I constantly question the world in which we live in and what we know to be true and what we know to be life.
I’m still very new to this world and I know I have many years, decades even, ahead of me to find out more and give myself more answers as I live my life and discover new things. In saying this, if I was to leave this earth tomorrow I would feel fulfilled with regards to everything I’ve learnt and the knowledge I have gained thus far. I feel as though I have an in-depth connection to life. This isn’t to say I always understand it, however; I’m constantly trying to make sense of it. This is how I’ve chosen to live my life because this is me. This is what I do. It’s not a switch I can simply turn off or something I can stop doing because it’s honestly who I am, in essence. And I wouldn’t change myself in this way for anything.
I know that many people I meet don’t understand me, whether they know me or not. I know that many people can’t relate to me, from experience. I know many people see my website full of my inner most thoughts and don’t understand why I’ve chosen to do this or what on earth compelled me to start such a thing…but perhaps what they don’t realise is that this website is me. And I hope that there are people reading this who know exactly what I’m talking about because they’re like this, too.
I want to see a reflection of myself on these pages and in these posts. I want to be able to read through them in future years and look back on my life, remembering how I’ve felt and what I’ve gone through at different stages along the way. I want to be able to see, at a single glance, what has shaped me to be the person I am today…the good, the bad and the ugly. I want to see all the ways in which I’ve grown over the years. This is something I do for myself and that has always been hugely important to me. It’s something that I absolutely love, even when I’m writing about my struggles and what I wish I could forget.
At the end of the day it’s all a reflection of me, and I couldn’t be happier. I truly believe that I was born a writer and I’m proud to say that I can write so freely and honestly. I’m proud that I can write about my life in this way and put onto paper the way my mind works, letting even my most complicated thoughts and feelings spill out onto these pages.
Lucy Rebecca x