It’s funny how sometimes even when everyone else around you can see something that is so blatantly obvious to them, is the one thing that you’re oblivious to. How can you have no idea, and essentially be the last to know, the way you feel? How can others possibly know before you do?
For the last little while I genuinely believed that the way I’ve been acting around someone and even just the way I’ve been talking to them, is purely because I care about them and trust them. Don’t get me wrong, I do care and I do trust them, but there was a much bigger (and deeper) reason why I’ve been sticking around and it has nothing to do with either of these. You guessed it, I’m talking about getting a big old crush on the one person you never thought you could (or would) ever feel anything for. I also tried this on him, telling him about 100 times how much I care and everything as if that justifies all of it. Even though he hasn’t said anything I know he must realise there’s a little more to it than that.
I knew how I was acting. I knew what I was saying and the way I have been treating him, obviously. I was aware of this, however I kept telling myself it was only because I cared about him, or because I trusted him. That was the only explanation for why I’m still here when I could have walked a long time ago, and why I still try my hardest to be there for him no matter how much he pushes me away. That’s it; there is no other reason…I wish.
I’m pretty sure he worked this one out before me, but I have to admit at this point that I do have feelings for him – more than I know what to do with. I feel as though it’s the elephant in the room every time we speak; it’s the one thing neither of us can bring ourselves to address. Even so, it’s hard to avoid or ignore when the way I feel is reflected in everything I say to him and just the way I am with him in general.
I can only imagine (although I don’t know this for sure), that this is the reason why he has been pulling back so much lately. It seems like a pretty safe bet to me, and would explain a lot. I don’t blame him, as I didn’t see it coming either. I don’t blame him for wanting to take a step back to assess the situation before saying or doing anything definite.
It’s possible that he might decide not to talk to me anymore, to make things easier for both of us…to save a lot of added complication and developments further down the line. It’s possible that he might kick me to the curb, like everyone else has done in the past when my feelings have gotten to be too much (sad but true). The fact that he’s not done this so far gives me a bit of hope, I guess, and already is happening differently to past experiences, but that’s not to say that it will have any more of a happy ending than they did.
I know it sucks when someone is on the fence about you, or needs time to think and make up their mind as to how they feel about you back and what they want to do moving forward, but it’s probably the only time in my life when someone has actually taken the time to think carefully before they act. It might sound sad but honestly I’m grateful for that, because it is so much better than getting shut down or rejected without even being given any kind of consideration. It shows that the person is mature enough to be open- minded about the situation and assess it properly before deciding the best way to act or the best thing to do next.
As you can probably tell or might have guessed, I don’t have much experience with mature people, so this is actually a nice change and one which hasn’t gone unnoticed. So often people treat me with such disrespect and little consideration that I’m made to feel unworthy of even having feelings for them. It’s not that I put other people on a pedestal; I see everyone as equals, it’s just that sometimes I feel as though people don’t see me as one.
So essentially, it’s nice to see someone actually taking the time to consider my feelings…even if it does come from the most surprising and unsuspected person. They make me nervous sometimes, especially when they keep their cards close to their chest so I never know what they are thinking. I’ve accepted that that’s just the way they are, but for some reason I’ve found myself genuinely caring about him and trusting him. That last one is huge for me as I didn’t used to. He’s not big on expressing feelings but I hope that somewhere beneath the bad boy exterior, he does care for me and trust me back even in the smallest amount.
I’m not proud to say that I did used to perceive him in a very different way. I had a pre-conceived idea of who he was before we started talking and didn’t think he could be trusted. I never thought that we would talk for so long after first meeting and I certainly didn’t think we would still be on speaking terms now. I thought it was only a matter of time before that interaction would fizzle out as quick as it started.
But I have grown to truly care for him and appreciate him. I have grown to trust him and feel comfortable being myself around him. I have grown to be more confident to the point where I’ve shown him other sides of myself than the initial one, including one of the most vulnerable sides that I only reserve for people who I feel a certain way about. I never thought I would want to get so close to him or learn more about him other than what he chooses to show people, but I do. I never thought that I would care in the way I do or that I would be able to tell him whole-heartedly that I trust him. I never thought that I would have these feelings for him and I would be lying if I said it didn’t scare me a little. It’s too soon for me to get hurt again, in all honesty. I’ve been through so much emotional turmoil, more than you can imagine, and I don’t want to add to the pile if I can help it.
I don’t want to feel let down by someone I care about again, so soon after last time, or feel disappointed and unwanted. If there’s one thing I’m good at (maybe too good at), it’s allowing myself to be so vulnerable with someone to the point where they do have the ability to hurt me easily. This is a risk that I always seem to take, somewhat absent-mindedly it seems, because I love feeling close on a deeper, emotional level and allowing that one person to get to know the real me so that they can (hopefully) appreciate me and love me the way that I am.
I know him and I are very different – worlds apart even. Maybe it will never work or progress any further beyond what is there currently. I just hope he can see that I’m still here because I want to be. I want to stay. The question is: does he?
Lucy Rebecca x