There is one thing that can happen when you least expect it. It happens without you even realising, and even though you are the one who instigated it, it’s only in hindsight that you truly understand why things are so complicated with that one person who’s constantly on your mind. Last year, when I first started talking to you, I didn’t know that I could be myself with you. I didn’t know that it was okay to show you any other side of me other than the most obvious, or the one I thought you were only interested in seeing. I didn’t know that I could trust you, or feel comfortable enough with showing you my vulnerable side and opening up to you about how I felt. I didn’t know that you would be without judgment when I did this, and I didn’t know that the idea of you seeing more than what meets the eye was a safe one.
Because I didn’t know any of this was possible, I refrained from truly being myself with you. I knew where the lines were; they were straight, bold, there in black and white. I knew what would be crossing those lines, so I made sure that I stayed right where it was safe. I may have been hiding my true self from you, but at least those lines stayed where they were and never blurred. It made things less complicated when we stopped talking at the end of the year, that’s for sure. I walked away from the situation still able to define where those lines were and knowing they were never crossed. You could say I walked away with confidence and a clear mind because of this.
But now, all of that is different. We started talking again not too long ago, and already those lines that I was so easily able to distinguish, have been blurred. I take full responsibility for this, as I was the one who decided to start opening up to you and taking small risks like this. The thing is, I did it because over the last few months I gradually started to trust you, and so it felt safe to be honest with you and to be myself. It felt safe, and like the right thing to do, to tell you how I was truly feeling at the time. Because you never reacted badly to my honesty (you never judged me, laughed at me, criticized me in any way), it encouraged me to do this again on different occasions as I felt assured that it was safe to do so.
On top of this, I really did learn to trust you over the time we talked and this was definitely helped along by the fact that you listened to me be so honest without ever having a negative reaction. You made me realise that I could be myself with you, despite what I had previously thought last year. You made me realise that it was safer than I thought to do so, and that I didn’t have to be afraid of judgment or anything else coming out of that. You made me realise that I could, in fact, trust you.
While all of this was happening, almost as if behind-the-scenes, the lines were beginning to blur. I didn’t realise this until it was too late and had already happened, but somehow I was no longer able to distinguish where they were and how far I had crossed them. I can only assume that it began when I started opening up to you and had made the decision to show you a different side of me – one you hadn’t really seen prior to this because I was keeping it hidden. Every time I allowed myself to be vulnerable by telling you how I felt, I took one step closer to crossing that line…and it didn’t stop there. I kept taking little steps forward, which didn’t seem significant or even noticeable at the time as it was done so slowly and gradually, but when you look at the bigger picture it all added up to the point where I had gone way past those lines.
Was that okay to do? I’m not sure. Was that a good decision? I’m not sure. But one thing I do know is that now I’m as confused as ever, and it’s because I allowed myself to go further than I did last time. This time I’m not able to walk away with the confidence or the clear head that I had last time, because this time I don’t know where I stand and I don’t know if a part of me still wants to keep taking steps forward instead of back, like I probably should. Last time I knew what I wanted from you, but this time I don’t have a clue. I keep asking myself this over and over again, thinking the answer should be obvious, but it’s not. I don’t know how I think of you anymore, because the lines have gotten so blurry and I don’t know what to do about it.
I feel as though I should be taking steps back, I should be trying to find those lines again so I can creep back over them to where it was safe and defined, but I don’t know I actually want those things. It’s a ‘should’ vs ‘want’ Tug-of-War that I keep finding myself in when I think about you and this. My thoughts and my feelings are constantly at war with each other, each telling me to listen to them and that they hold the right answer, but I still don’t know who or what to listen to. I have such conflicted feelings now and having time and space away from you has none nothing to help me sort through them, as much as I was hoping it would. What are you supposed to do when your head and your heart are telling you to do opposite things? Who wins the battle of logic vs emotion? Is the right decision to do what I should be doing or what I want to do?
It’s all of these questions that keep swirling round and round in my head, to the point where I don’t know which one to act on anymore. It’s confusing as hell, and I wish I could talk to you about it but I’m scared to tell you anything after you started shutting down and keeping me in the dark with everything. I still don’t know why you did that, but it didn’t go unnoticed and definitely didn’t sit well with me. It made me feel unsettled and uneasy, probably because I had made a point of being so open, honest and vulnerable with you and you then chose to do the complete opposite with me. It made me start to question whether it was a good idea to tell you as much as I did, or if I should have held back more since that’s what you started to do. I keep hoping the answer will come to me, and maybe it will, but in the meantime I’m at a loss as far as knowing what to do or what to say.
Lucy Rebecca x