There are many misconceptions about the No Contact Rule, regarding the outcome and the point, I would say. This ‘rule’ is something I actually hadn’t heard of until I came across it a few weeks ago, and upon doing some research about it I found that it was an incredibly popular theory and purpose, that many websites have gone into a great level of detail about.
For those of you who aren’t familiar with the No Contact Rule (often referred to as ‘NC’ for short), this is what should follow a break-up or when things with a particular person ends, whether it was a serious relationship, just dating or the dreaded ‘situationship’. Regardless of what it was or what it wasn’t, NC is widely recommended action that you should take post-break up/situation/fling (you can use it to your advantage after any of these).
The biggest misconception about NC, I would say, is that the purpose is to win your ex back or make them miss you enough to come back into your life, despite things ending for whatever reason. This is why many people go into NC with a mindset that is misdirected, and therefore they miss the point of what it’s really about. The problem with having this mindset is that NC is not guaranteed to bring your ex back or do any of the above. This may well happen as a byproduct of NC, but it shouldn’t be the end goal or what you’re aiming for. This is because if it doesn’t happen, for whatever reason, you will most likely feel disappointed that NC didn’t work for you, especially after putting effort into implementing it in the first place. So before you even start, don’t put yourself at a disadvantage by going into it having the wrong kind of mindset. I repeat: it is not about winning your ex back, making them miss you or bringing them back into your life. It’s risky to have this as the end goal, on the off chance that it might not happen or work out the way you wanted it to, so save yourself some disappointment by starting off on the right foot, not the wrong one.
NC is most commonly known as a much needed break following a break-up or a situation that has ended with someone you were possibly seeing or super into. Regardless of what happened, it’s normal to feel somewhat deflated straight after this has happened and if rejection was an aspect of it, it’s possible that you might have lost some confidence or self-esteem along the way. It’s normal to feel sad and to miss the other person, to want to reach out to them and tell them how you’re feeling. The problem with doing this now is your mindset. Usually in a situation or relationship that hasn’t worked out and it’s come to an end, we are acting on our emotional side way more than our logical side. In fact your emotional side is most likely going into over-drive. In other words, the balance was lost somewhere in between trying to fix things between you and also trying to pinpoint where things went so wrong.
We lose this vital balance in the process, and sometimes, a part of ourselves. This is especially true if you lost a little self-confidence or self-esteem as well, like I mentioned above. The way you’re looking at the situation is skewed as a result of the imbalance, meaning you’re not looking at it from an objective point of view because you simply can’t – you’re too close to be able to do this. The only way to put things into perspective is to take a step back in order to gain that objective point of view that you need to decide how to appropriately act and respond.
The NC is widely thought of as lasting anywhere from 21 days to 45, although more often than not it is known as being a month-long process (so 28 – 30 days). It’s when you cut off all communication with an ex, meaning no calling, texting, Snapchatting, Tweeting, tagging in photos…you get the point. There needs to be no contact for a full month. If you decide to do NC, you need to be very determined and serious about seeing it through, and to have full confidence that you can do it from start to finish, because if you break NC the process will be ruined and you will essentially have to ‘restart the clock’ and do it again from Day 1.
NC is essentially your time to get yourself back. Back on track, back to the mindset you had before things became all-consuming and took a turn for the worse, back to the full amount of self-confidence and self-esteem that had before the relationship or situation (hopefully even more with a bit of luck!). NC is about re-establishing your own value, resetting personal and healthy boundaries and remembering everything that’s great about you and that you have to offer another person, whether the last could see it or not. NC is about bringing yourself back to a healthy mindset where you can be rational and act on your logical side just as much as your emotional one. It’s about bringing back that healthy balance between the two, and enabling yourself to look at the situation or relationship with a fresh set of eyes and a new perspective – one that is far more objective than previously. Trust me, it will be a lot easy to look back on after a month of focusing on you, than it is straight afterwards when you’re in that unhealthy mindset due to a lack of space and clarity.
In Part II I’ll talk about what happens if you or other person breaks the NC Rule and what you should do about it, as well as what will be going through your ex’s mind while you’re implementing this on your end.
Lucy Rebecca x