So you’re probably wondering what happens if you or the other person breaks the NC Rule, right? I mean, we can’t control what they do during this time, so what happens if they reach out to you during NC? Well it’s in the name so the answer shouldn’t be a surprise. You give them no contact. It doesn’t matter whether they reached out to you in this time or not, the answer in both cases is no contact. Unless it’s an emergency you should not respond to them in any way, shape or form. If it helps remember why you’re doing NC and what you want to get out of it, and keep this in mind any time you feel like responding to the other person.
The truth is when you implement NC you won’t know how the other person will respond or react to it. You won’t know whether they will try to reach out to you during the 28 days or not. These things are impossible to know before starting, so don’t get too hung up on them and only think about how to deal with it if/when it happens. Just remember you have an end goal that you want to reach, and that this in-between time is vital for you to get to that place. This time is about you, not them, so don’t let it be anything else!
If you do happen to break NC, you will have to start again from the beginning and work your way up to 28 days again. This is because you have interfered with the process and are ultimately preventing yourself from taking a step back in order to gain a more clearer and healthier perspective. You are ultimately preventing yourself from taking the time you need for yourself following a situation or relationship that’s just ended (whether you realise it or not), and doing anything that involves contacting or communicating with the other person only delays this process. This is why it’s super important that you understand why NC can be so beneficial for you before you even begin, and that having the right mindset going into it will actually help push you through until the end without any bumps in the road or doubting any part of the process.
It’s been reported by a significant amount of people who have done NC after a breakup have had their ex reach out to them during this time, either wanting to come back into their life or claiming that they miss them. This isn’t to say that it will necessarily happen to you, but it’s commonly reported because in theory NC does in fact increase your attraction and value in your ex’s eyes, which is why hearing from them at all is pretty common (whether they want you back or not). So don’t be too surprised if they try to contact or reach out to you during any point of the 28 days, although it’s more likely to be around the two to three week mark rather than earlier on.
How does NC increase your attraction and value in your ex’s eyes? Because going for a substantial amount of time without any form of contact shows that you are strong and independent. Moreover, it shows them (with actions, not words) that you are very capable of living your life without them in it. The fact that you are not hanging round, initiating contact every few days or every time you think of them already increases your attraction in their eyes.
Everyone you meet will create an ‘image’ or idea of you in their mind (based on who they think you are and how they perceive you) and this image may appear in a positive or negative way depending on how you choose to behave towards them and what you say. For example if someone constantly swears at you, criticizes you and belittles you, your mind will create a negative image or idea of that person because your perception of them is based on what you see and the fact that you have interpreted their words and actions in a negative way. On the flip side, if someone is nothing but kind to you and builds you up, compliments you and has a very warm nature then you’ll naturally see them in a positive light, and again this will be based on what you have seen but the only difference is you’ve interpreted it in a positive way, leading to a positive image or idea of that person in your mind.
When someone can’t demonstrate independence of their own because they’re constantly hanging around you, waiting for you to talk to them and give them the time of day, you won’t have a very positive idea of them in your mind, guarantee it. We respect people who can respect themselves, and show this through their actions as well as words. If their actions tell us that they don’t respect themselves, then we lose respect for them and this contributes to a negative perception of this person, whether it is justified or not.
How does this all relate back to NC? Because demonstrating that you can stop communicating with someone who you were previously involved with is a great show of independence and self-respect. These are both qualities that the majority of people look for – men and women – and find attractive. Hence your attractiveness instantly increases in their eyes, and their perception of you becomes more positive where it might have previously been negative. NC is also about giving yourself an element of mystery, since naturally we wonder about those who can be elusive when they want to be and maintain a certain level of mystery. Our curiosity grows as we wonder what they’re doing, if they’re thinking of us and these sorts of thoughts.
Your ex will naturally start to think about you because he hasn’t heard from you for an extended period of time and will wonder what you’re doing, if you’ve met someone else or are over them already. His curiosity will grow until one day he brings himself to reach out to you and see for himself. If you break the NC Rule by responding or giving him any kind of answer, you will be giving what he wants and he will withdraw again, since he knows now and that kills both the curiosity and the mystery. You might think that continuing to ignore him will also make him withdraw, but trust me when I say it won’t.
If you don’t give him any answers and choose to ignore him, you will not be losing anything. Sure, he might go quiet again, but that’s not the same as killing the curiosity that’s playing out in his mind – it will still be there, even if you ignore him. The reason why is because you haven’t given him any answers, even to questions that he’s thinking but doesn’t want to ask. If anything, the fact that you’re ignoring him will probably make him think about you more and leave him with more questions. Plus, your value will increase in his eyes since he will now know that you’re not always going to respond to him or pay attention to him every single time he comes knocking, as you’ve just demonstrated. This means that if/when you do talk to him, he will value your response.
As you can see, these are all reasons why it’s pretty common to hear from your ex during this period of time, or for them to reach out first. Even if you still have feelings for your ex and are secretly glad they reached out to you, don’t let anything else get in the way of NC or take away from the main objective. Even though it might be nice to know that they are in fact thinking about you, don’t let this kind of distraction cause you to lose sight of the process and why it’s super beneficial for you in the ways I talked about in Part I.
Part III will be about the best possible outcome of NC, a.k.a exactly what you’re aiming for, as well as the worst.
Lucy Rebecca x