Okay, so time to get real and tell you where I’ve been for the last little while. I didn’t mention this at the time because I only wanted to announce it if it was to go further and become a reality, but someone in my family very close to me applied for a job on the other side of the world (Netherlands, to be specific), back in March. If successful, the plan was always going to be that I would move over with her, since I didn’t have any commitments or anything keeping me here in New Zealand.
She was lucky enough to be invited over there for an in-person interview, which was back in early June. Up until recently, we have been waiting to hear back if she was successful in getting the job or not. At first it was an anxious-excited wait, but around early August (a month after having the interview), it become more of when-are-we-going-to-know wait, with more of a tedious vibe to it. Over time, my excitement dwindled and the idea of this ‘new start’ of sorts started to feel like it wasn’t about to become a reality – at least not in this way.
Up until about two weeks ago, we still didn’t know. Nothing had been said since she went over for the interview. This was now late September, and the actual application for the job was sent back in March, so the whole prospect of moving and changing our lives was unclear and a big question for at least six months of the year thus far. In case you need me to spell it out, that’s a pretty long time to not know if your life is about to change in a big way or not.
I always knew it was a 50/50 kind of thing, but hoped it would happen and I would figure out my next step over there. I have been unemployed for a while now, but didn’t want to stress myself out over finding a job in case the whole Netherlands thing ended up happening. Don’t get me wrong, I was still applying for jobs during all of this but I guess mentally I thought leaving was Plan A and staying here was Plan B, because there was still a good chance it might happen. It was only until we found out that she was unsuccessful that I realised Plan B would have to become Plan A, which hasn’t been as simple as it sounds.
I have found myself totally stressing out and putting a lot of pressure on myself to quickly find something, being mentally aware that that opportunity is gone, and therefore telling myself I need to act fast. I would say in the last few weeks, 90% of my brain capacity has been job-related, and it has resulted in a tonne of stress, anxiety, worry and lack of sleep. In all of this flurry, I stopped taking time for myself and made this my priority to the point where I was thinking about it literally all the time and applying for jobs (or writing cover letters) non-stop. Not because I wanted to, but because I felt like I had to and I wasn’t allowed to focus on anything else. I am a very determined young lady and must admit I am guilty of having tunnel-vision on more than one occasion (this being one of them).
It was only about a week ago that I told myself to slow down. I realised the state of my mental health was getting way low and I needed to do something about it because it was affecting the way I felt every day. If you’ve been reading my blog for a while now, you’ll know that in the past I have had a few trips to Melbourne on holidays as it’s one of my favourite cities. I have decided to take a trip back there towards the end of October to give myself both a break and change of scenery (both mentally and physically). I’m only going for a week, but have heaps planned and lots of places lined up that I have never been before but have heard it’s pretty spectacular. I’ll definitely be uploading some photos of different locations to my blog after I get back, as well as a post on activities and my experiences. The main thing, though, is just that I have enjoy my time and remind myself why it’s important to take time out for yourself sometimes, in whatever way that looks like.
If you’re reading this, I must thank you for continuing to actively follow and keep up with my blog, even when I don’t post for a while because life gets in the way. It means more to me than you could ever know. I’m definitely not perfect and sometimes I don’t always feel up to writing, but it’s nice to know that there are people who will read and maintain an interest regardless.
Lucy Rebecca x