I know I’ve talked about this before, probably a while ago now, but since it is something that’s still happening and affecting me I wanted to expand on it. For as long as I can remember I’ve had these terrible, vivid nightmares that I can’t seem to forget no matter how much I try. I don’t just mean the next day, but months and even years later I can still remember them vividly and in detail.
One thing that’s super crazy which I’ve been noticing lately is that a lot of girls, my age, that I went to school with are now expecting and/or engaged. It’s so strange to think that people who you were friends with or saw every day in your classes as a teenager, is now about to start a family of their own…all when they’re just 20/21 years old. I guess part of the reason why it seems so strange is because you remember them a certain way and a different age, and you don’t really think about the fact that they have majorly changed since then.
When I was younger there were plenty of people who didn’t treat me very well. People who abused me (both physically and emotionally), people who threatened my life and aimed to belittle me to make me feel weak and inferior. I was too young to know how to separate myself from these people, and so as a result I become very insecure within myself and closed myself off to basically everyone I met in the following years. Continue reading “Healing”
I wish I could tell you exactly how I felt, without worrying that you might run away, get freaked out or distance yourself from me. These are the fears that, on a daily basis, tell me to keep my feelings to myself and that sometimes it’s better to be safe than sorry. Continue reading “Fervent”
So even after I started living with Mum, some time after we came up with the idea to have dinner at Dad’s every fortnight or so (this was when he was still living in Auckland), and that way my sister and I still got to see him but we wouldn’t have to worry about actually living there or staying over. It worked out well at first, and every week or so we would be invited over for dinner. Again, the only thing I liked about going there for dinner was the fact that I got to see Dad, and that was enough for me to make the effort to go round, even if it meant I’d have to see Tori. Continue reading “Part 3”
The councillor suggested that I spent some time with Dad, simply because the relationship I had with him was suffering due to everything happening with Tori. She suggested that Dad and I make dinner together one night, just him and I, in his house. Of course this meant that Tori would have to leave the house for a few hours to give us time on our own, and she was not happy about this; she refused, not seeing why she should have to leave what was her house as well, even if only for a few hours. Hence, this didn’t end up happening and I thought it would be best if I lived with Mum from then on, as it was just going to be too hard to keep living at Dad’s with all of that going on. Basically the only times I was able to see Dad was if it was away from his house, so that Tori didn’t feel personally put out by the arrangements.
When your parents divorce while you’re fairly young it can be difficult to accept what’s going on, what’s changing and how it’s all going to affect you. They may sit you down and tell you that it’s not your fault and you mustn’t think you did anything wrong, and while this may be true, no one actually tells you what you should expect from that point onwards or how it’s going to make you feel. Ever since I was 6 years old I feel as though my family has changed in many ways, and the dynamic is so different from where it started that I wouldn’t even recognise us as the same family if I didn’t know any better.
I have not written much on my blog lately, mainly because I’ve been quite stressed with work over the last few months. As a passionate writer, I’m extremely disappointed that things at work are not how they used to be, meaning I’m not able to write or publish my own content anymore. This was a key aspect of my work that I loved and felt so lucky to have found a job which allowed me to do this, but since this has not been part of my work anymore I’ve really felt quite uninspired, unmotivated and not all that creative lately. Had it been up to me, I would have continued writing and producing my own content every single day, but unfortunately I don’t have this kind of control or authority over what I do and don’t do for work.
I look up at the sky to see a crack running through a tall, sloped building directly in front of me. It’s only a matter of time before it reaches the top and it’s split in two, the first side already coming away from the rest. I turn my back on it and start sprinting as fast as I can away from the collapsing building, not knowing how far it will reach once it crashes below. I’m caught up in the crowd of people running for their lives, and just as I look over my shoulder I see a second building, much smaller this time, also in the midst of collapsing. A deafening sound follows as the first collides with the pavement around the city centre, pieces scattering all around threatening to wipe out those still fleeing for safety.
All I wanted was to be given a chance. We all deserve that even if nothing else, right? A chance for each of us to make someone we truly care about happy. A chance to prove them wrong and show them how different it could be to what they had imagined. A chance to not only show them what happiness can look like, but also to ourselves.